


The Adventure Zone: A Novelization

by bookworm2102



Series: The Adventure Zone: Novelizations [1]
Category: My Brother My Brother and Me, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 23:30:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17233193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookworm2102/pseuds/bookworm2102
Summary: A Novelization of the first season of the very popular podcast, The Adventure Zone, created by Justin, Travis, Griffin, and Clint McElroy.





	1. I Saw Seven Birds

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Adventure Zone](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/445115) by Justin, Travis, Griffin, and Clint Mcelroy. 



✧✧✧

𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘸 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦. 𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘸 𝘢 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘮, 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘸 𝘢 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘴𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘣𝘪𝘳𝘥𝘴, 𝘧𝘭𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘮. 𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘸 𝘴𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘣𝘪𝘳𝘥𝘴:  
𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘛𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘴, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘰𝘳, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘑𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭-𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘳, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘗𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘳, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘖𝘯𝘦.

✧✧✧


	2. Prologue

The people of Phandalin wouldn’t have noticed anything different with their night, with the night sky’s stars twinkling brighter than ever. They wouldn’t have noticed anything, no, not if they didn’t look closely. Because, soaring through the night sky was a figure, the red robe wrapped around him leaving behind a thin trail of smoke. It was unknown exactly where he had come from, but the impact that he, this figure in the crimson cloth, had made was far greater than the small crater he had left in the grass outside of The Felicity Wilds.   
The figure started everything. He helped to shape the beginning, mold the middle, and conclude with the end of this story.   
This figure started the plans that fate herself had set in motion, and the fall was only the beginning.


	3. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merle, Taako, and Magnus met each other on Craigslist -- that is, a list posted by a gnome named Craig. Among the listings for elves with hungry butts and lonely tieflings who'd like to make friends, the three discovered an open listing for a three-person job posted by a dwarf named Gundren Rockseeker, a cousin of Merle's. After our three heroes fought another trio for the job, Gundren informed them of an exciting opportunity that he called 'the last job you'll ever need to take.' Ignoring the implications of that statement, the adventurers learned that Gundren wants them to do a little favor for him first...and the favor goes further than any of them could've imagined.

✧✧✧  
𝘛𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦 𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘓𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳  
✧✧✧

 

The tree towards the end of The Felicity Wilds had once again, a large piece of paper hastily nailed onto the lower half of the bark. Craig the Gnome’s List it read, with hastily written names and rendezvous locations strewn along it. At the bottom, lay an ad written in messy, large handwriting there was the name Gundren Rockseeker, with the words, The Last Job You’ll Ever Need written directly above a tavern name in the nearby town of Neverwinter.  
3 out of 3 spots were filled, signed with both loopy and scrawly handwriting alike. 

The Tavern was small and crowded, but that was normal for the small bar that was tucked away on the outskirts of Neverwinter. 5 men stood around a small table, all of various races, backgrounds and sizes, and all of them were here for the same reason.  
“Listen, I know you all must be confused at this.” A dwarf, the younger looking one, said gruffly, taking a swig from his tankard, wiping the froth away from his auburn colored beard as he breathed out. “But me and my-” He grabbed the human man beside him , causing his glasses to slide down his nose. “-companion assure you, this will be the last job you’ll ever need.” He grinned wickedly, pulling the human closer to him, shaking him gently as he spoke.  
“It is a Gundren Rockseeker and Barry J Bluejeans promise.”  
The other dwarf snorted under his breath, a wisp of grey hair rising into the air. “Now where have I heard that before?” He muttered, rolling his eyes. Gundren shot the other dwarf a look. “Things aren’t always about you, Merle.” He said sarcastically back. He turned to the rest of the group, extending his arms wide.  
“So, boys. Any questions?”  
A teal hand rose lazily into the air, the other tracing the empty martini glass beside them.  
“Uh yeah um-”  
Gundren interrupted him.  
“Name, please, elf?”  
“Taako, from TV.” The elf said rather quickly. “Back to the important business. How much are we getting paid?” Taako asked, picking at his fingernails.  
Gundren sighed.  
“Before you get to the real job, which I assure you will change your lives entirely, you have to uh, audition yourselves first, to see if you’re truly the type of material we-” He gestured to himself and Barry, “- need.” Taako rolled his eyes.  
“Yes, Yes darling but-”  
“Will we get to kill some monsters?!” A burly voice interrupted Taako once again, this time belonging to a somewhat tall human man, with slightly reddish sideburns and hair. His face and muscular arms were adjourned with many scars, and as he grinned, his scars moved with him, forming a rough yet friendly grin. Taako glared at the human man, sighing.  
“Looks like Taako will once again, have to wait.” he said, sounding like an external monologue, sipping his non-existent martini.  
Barry looked surprised.  
“Um, yeah, yeah! Of course you will. The Wilds are pretty dangerous after all.” He adjusted his glasses. “Pardon me, but who are you again?” He squinted at the sheet of paper in front of him. “Yeah, still can’t read this, your handwriting is awful, man.” Barry laughed lightheartedly.  
The man smiled, puffing his chest out proudly.  
“Magnus “The Hammer” Burnsides.” He said, looking confident while he spoke. All of the men raised an eyebrow, but only Barry was brave enough to speak.  
“...’The Hammer’?”  
Magnus’s cheeks turned red, and his chest quickly became deflated.  
“I-uh, thought it was a cool nickname, there’s literally no story behind it.” He rubbed the back of his neck, obviously embarrassed.  
“What’s this audition, you’re speaking of?” Taako asked. “If we have to show off our talents, I do make one hell of a chicken frittata.” The other dwarf, Merle, raised his hand excitedly.  
“Ooh! I’ve been told I am an excellent dancer. Gotta use those party points somehow!” He said, hopping off of his stool.  
“Merle please don-” Gundren started, but much to his, and everyone else’s horror, was given a small demonstration into Merle’s dancing. 

It was not good, to put it lightly.

Grimacing, Taako went back towards his employer, holding his fingers against his nose.  
“I can’t believe I’m stuck with you two buffoons.” He muttered under his breath.  
“What do we have to do to ‘audition’?” Magnus asked, running his finger around the edge of the wooden table. It was excellently crafted, he thought as he felt the grain under his thumb. Gundren glanced at Barry.  
“We need you to take some supplies to Phandalin, you know, the small town right outside of here?”  
Magnus was the only one who nodded, and he looked around at the other two sitting beside him.  
“Y’know, the small mining town? Crashed in the economy a couple years back due to an orc attack?” Taako and Merle just stared blankly, which caused Magnus to sigh.  
“At least I know where we’re going.” He said, looking at Barry and Gundren and grinning, which to his dismay, did not get a reply of praise back.  
“The wagon’s outback.” Gundren said, standing up from the table, Barry following suite.  
“Hey hey, where’re you going?’ Merle said, rising as well. Gundren chuckled lowly, in a sarcastic way.  
“We’re going ahead of you three.” He explained.  
“Rest and get ready for tomorrow, alright?” Barry added kindly. “We’ll see you in Phandalin.” With that, both Gundren and Barry walked out of the tavern and towards Phandalin.  
Taako glanced at the table and groaned. “Those dickheads didn’t pay!”

 

It was the ugliest dog that Taako had ever seen, but then again, he had always been more of a cat person.  
Magnus, on the other hand, lost his shit when he saw it.  
Gundren had left his dog, or rather, something that resembled a dog, Ruby, in the back of the wagon that had been left for the three adventures who had agreed to take on this job. And they didn’t notice this until halfway through their journey.  
“Um, hey guys?” Merle called from the back. “Are carpets supposed to move?”  
Taako glanced behind him, and made a face of pure disgust.  
“Is that thing even a dog? It looks like it has two butts for Pan’s sake!” He said, reeling back. “Magnus, look at this thing!”  
Magnus glanced back for a quick second, and smiled wide. “A DOG?!” He said, racing back, ignoring the Oxen he was leading, causing Taako to yelp.  
“Magnus!” He cried, grabbing onto the reins and trying to steer. “I don’t have vehicle proficiency like you!” He said, and Magnus immediately rushed over to the driver’s seat again, shoving Taako back inside the wagon.  
The elf turned his head behind him to face Merle.  
“What’re you doing?” He asked, raising a thin blonde eyebrow at him, causing Merle to jump.  
“I-I’m studying my cantrips!” He said quickly and defensively.  
“Dude, just say masturbate, no one gives a shit.” Taako muttered, smirking.  
“Don’t come in mom, I’m practicing my cantrips!” Magnus chimed in, laughing along with Taako as Merle crossed his arms, looking annoyed.  
“You never know when it’ll be useful you guys...Besides, I want some good spells, I don’t trust Gundren...Something seems off.”  
Taako rolled his eyes as he started digging around in the cargo they were carrying.  
“We’ve been travelling for a day and a half, Merle. Don’t get cold feet now.”  
Magnus coughed, his face becoming pale as he slowed the wagon down.  
“Um...Hey guys? Do you see that?” He asked Merle and Taako slowly, and he gulped.  
Taako moved up to the front, with Merle slowly waddling behind him. The elf squinted, and then shook his head.  
“I got nothing, Maggie Moo.” Taako said, with Magnus raising an eyebrow in confusion over the nickname Taako had planted on him.  
“Yeah, me neither.” Merle piped up, adjusting his glasses as he focused as hard as he could on the forest around and in front of them.  
“So you’re telling me that you two don’t see the two dead horses lying about 200 feet directly in front of us?” Magnus said, sighing and rubbing two fingers on his forehead. “You both are so lucky to have me in your party.” When the wagon came closer to the scene, Magnus pulled the vehicle over, using his proficiency well enough to do a decent parallel parking job on the side of the road.  
“We should check things out.” He whispered to the group, hiding behind the side of the wagon, as Taako stepped around to the front  
“What’re we? Heroes?” He muttered as he strolled, causing Magnus to silently scream.  
“Taako!” He hissed. “Do you not see those goblins?” He motioned silently to the small green figures crowding around the horses, apparently looting it.  
“Oh.” Taako said, shrugging. “My bad, I guess.”  
“To be fair, I didn’t see them either, buddy.” Merle added, and Magnus face-palmed.  
“Both of your perception skills really suck, you know that?” He said, annoyed with the pair.  
But it was too late. The goblins, well two of them, to be precise, had started to charge at the party and the wagon.  
Quickly, Merle held out his hands, muttering words under his breath.  
A spell.  
“What’re you doing?” Magnus asked, his whisper rushed as he braced himself for the charging goblins running at them.  
“I’m casting Bless on us.” He said, opening one eye to look at him. “Do you want us to lose?”  
Taako looked alarmed. “Dude, spell slots!” He hissed, his eyes wide.  
Merle immediately stopped chanting. “Shit, you’re right.” He mumbled.  
“Sacred Flame!” He cried, and a burst of radiant fire came out of Merle’s fingertips and flew straight into one of the goblins, putting it in pretty bad shape.  
The other goblin slowed down, it’s eyes wide with fear.  
“Aww s-shit.” It muttered, stopping in the middle of the road. Maybe these adventurers weren’t just a bunch of blithering idiots after all. 

Spoiler alert: They totally were just blithering idiots, just blithering idiots with luck on their side. 

Taako grinned, a wicked smirk climbing up the side of his face.  
“I think you need to be cooled off little man.” He said, before casting the spell Ray of Frost on the goblin Merle had recently singed. Immediately, the goblin was encased in a prison of ice, and fell to the ground, shattering into a million icy crystals, their companion looking on in shock.  
“And Taako puts us on the board with our first kill!” The elf said excitedly, throwing a fist into the air.  
Magnus, however, had climbed back onto the cart, and jumped off of it, swinging the battle axe he held in his hands down onto the other goblin, giving it no time to say a word.  
Suddenly, from out of the brush, another goblin appeared.  
“Wait, I thought there were only two gerblins out there, why are there- why are there three over there OH JESUS, JERRY NO.”  
Horrified, the goblin drew a short bow, aiming an arrow at Taako, after setting the tip on fire. But, since the goblin’s movements had been so hasty, they missed, setting the wagon, and its contents, ablaze. Taako rushed back into the wagon, crying, “Not the food!”, as Merle tried to put out the fires with a piece of cloth that had fallen off.  
Magnus, on the other hand, after watching his companions fruitless efforts to save their transport, saw the Goblin sprinting off from the scene, jumping over fallen sacks and dead horses.  
Something had to be done.  
Twisting the handle of his battle axe, he threw the axe in the goblin’s direction.  
“AH!” was the last thing the goblin ever uttered.  
“Nice.” He murmured to himself, grinning as he rushed over to pull the axe out of the goblin’s head. The other two members of the dysfunctional party, with Taako strutting and Merle waddling, made their way over to where Magnus was crouched, examining the dead horses.  
“Well, they didn’t leave anything, did they?” Taako said, focused on the fallen bags, which were torn open and looted, presumably by the goblins they had killed earlier.  
“These horses were killed not long ago.” Magnus said, ignoring Taako, turning to Merle. “Could you revive them?” He asked, completely serious, but his face fell as he saw the dwarf’s amused expression.  
“I’m a cleric, not a necromancer.” He said, and Taako snorted.  
“Are you sure you’re even that grandpa?”  
Magnus shushed them, and looked in the direction the goblin he had recently slain went.  
“They took them that way.” He said, pointing as he turned to the other group. Man, his perception skills were on fire today.  
Merle looked where Magnus was pointing, nodding in agreement.  
“Those imprints in the mud only could’ve been made by one person. Gundren.” He motioned to the dents in the road, possibly made by a dragged Gundren, along with a Barry Bluejeans, when the trio saw the much smaller outlines in the dirt.  
“Oh, so now you see something.” Magnus mumbled as he started rush ahead in that direction, with Taako and Merle not far behind, leaving behind them a flaming wagon and several pieces of goblin. 

The path wasn’t that hard to follow. Merle had been right about Gundren, he left quite an impact on the mud and dirt. The three hapless adventurers had made their way at the mouth of a very large, very ominous, and definitely very dark cave, where the mud trail faded on the stone.  
“Alright let’s gooo!” Magnus said, running into the cave, but quickly ran back out, his cheeks flushed.  
“What’s up big guy?” Taako said, smirking. “Can’t see in the dark?” Magnus, looking at his feet, mumbled something incoherent.  
“What was that?” Taako said, his smile only growing as he overdramatically held a hand to his ear.  
Magnus looked at Taako, glowering. “No.” He said, clearly embarrassed. Merle, silent, walked closer to Magnus.  
“Do you want a glowy stick, or a glowy axe?” He asked, showing the human fighter some kindness. Magnus looked confused, but after seeing Merle’s glowing fingertips, smiled.  
“Axe, of course.” He said, and then added with wink, “It’ll look even more badass!”  
After a few seconds, and after Merle reached Magnus’s axe, it started to glow, providing light for him.  
“Now we can go.” He concluded. “Sorry I don’t have magic eyes, guys.” Taako eyed the axe, his eyes glittering with excitement.  
“Gotta admit, that axe does look pretty bitching now.”  
The trio walked down the rock floors of the cave, until they came across something new.  
“Look, a stream!” Magnus cried, and Taako shot him a look.  
“Look, we get it, your eyes are really good. You don’t have to point out every new thing you see!” He said, huffing in annoyance.  
“But look!” Magnus pulled Taako over, pointing. Clear as day, at least to Taako, since he had darkvision, was an overpass suspended in the air, connected to two passageways higher up above them. An outline of a figure was standing on the overpass, presumably standing guard.  
“Hello Friend!” Taako cried out, in elvish, leaving Merle very confused when he started to speak a language he didn’t understand.  
“Elvish?” Magnus hissed, while Taako shrugged.  
“There could be some underground elves down here, who knows, right?”  
However, these were not underground elves. They were Goblins. A confused ‘Huh’? Could be heard from the overpass. Taako coughed, opening his mouth to speak again, but Magnus beat him to it, hissing, “No! Shh! Shh! Shut the fuck up!”, which Taako promptly ignored.  
“Hello Friend!” He cried in Goblinoid this time, casting a look at Magnus.  
“Who’s there?”  
“Hail and well met!”, to which Magnus grumbled afterward, “That’s my line!”  
The goblin was unsure, and was sounding suspicious.  
“I...You don’t sound like anyone I know.” He said slowly, and Taako knew he had to act on his feet.  
“...We’re uh, just exploring, we’ve taken a wrong turn!” With this, the goblin above them laughed.  
“You certainly have, this isn’t a great place for tourism.”  
Taako raised an eyebrow, smirking at the rest of his party.  
“So where have we found ourselves then?” He asked, causing the entire group to hold back some laughter. The goblin obviously did not know how to handle this situation. It was clear by the long pause in between Taako’s question and his answer.  
“Come a lil’ bit closer, show yourself to me.” They said slowly, the grip on their weapon tightening.  
Taako gulped. “Come closer? Did you say?” He repeated, slowly becoming nervous.  
“Come closer to the overpass.” The Goblin said, and the group could hear the smirk in his words. Taako looked behind him, at his companions and decided what he had to do.  
“I will warn you, we’re very dangerous, though we mean you no harm. I would not suggest launching an attack on us.” He said slowly, trying to be intimidating.  
“How dangerous are you- how dangerous we talkin’?” The goblin asked, his confidence level dropping slightly.  
“Level… Level 1.” Taako stammered. “But-”  
“But you should go ask the goblin cut in half how dangerous we are!” Merle interrupted, receiving looks of alarm from both Magnus and Taako. The goblin audibly gasped, clearly shocked.  
“You cut- You cut a goblin in half?!” They said, suddenly extremely nervous. Taako crossed his arms after mentally cursing out Merle for acting so rash. That was Magnus’s job, not his.  
“Oh, excellent, excellently - well played, I was just trying to establish a rapport.” Taako said charismatically. “Do you have any gold?” There was a moment of awkward silence after the last comment, and Taako coughed, wiping the conversation clean.  
“Sorry, sorry… Where are we?” He asked, knowing that the goblin was terrified now, and answers would be easier to get out of them.  
“You’re in our- you’re in our hideout… you’re making me extremely uncomfortable, I don’t know who you are, what you’re doing.”  
Taako nodded, grinning. He always loved a good introduction, it was something he was always good at.  
“My name… My name is Taako. A friend of ours was taken, and his horses were killed. We’re searching for our friend.” The goblin inhaled, seeming a bit regretful, but that was short lived.  
“Oooh shit, yeah, we... did that. Hey, guys! Someone’s here! Guys, it’s the guys from the horse thing!”  
Quickly, Taako extended a hand, casting the same spell he had done on the other goblin previously.  
“Ray of Frost!” He shouted, which caused the Goblin to stumble back, but kept his footing.  
“Hey guys?” Magnus called after shooting a fatal arrow into the goblin, sounding worried. “Do you hear that?”  
The sound of rushing water was getting louder and louder as time passed, and all three adventurers faces paled.  
“We have to climb up!” Merle concluded, and Magnus and Taako nodded quickly. Merle was the first to climb, and went up the rock wall rather quickly. As he grabbed a rock above him, his foot slipped, causing him to fall down and land in between Magnus and Taako.  
“Merle, don’t forget to - You look damaged, if you have some sort of, way of healing yourself, be sure to explore that. You’re, you’re injured. I will attempt the same climb that felled Merle.” He said, and began to scale the wall himself. Quickly, Taako maneuvered up the rocks, clinging to the overpass tightly.  
“Oh, luck of the, lucky - first timer’s luck, huh?” He called down to the rest of the group.  
Suddenly, a horrifying wall of water came hurtling down the cave and blasted into the heroes that are on the ground level. First, it hit Magnus, and then shortly thereafter, collided with Merle, who was still on his ass. Miraculously, both Magnus and Merle grabbed onto the wall, holding on for their dear lives. 

Above them, Taako was laughing quietly, watching the scene play out below him. 

But they had to lose at one point. The wave was too strong, flushing away Magnus and Merle back to the first room they had been in.  
“You okay, Taako?” Merle called from a distance  
“I’m fiiine! Don’t worry about Taako!” The elf replied.  
From down the hallway, Taako heard voices, and he froze.  
“Did we get ‘em?” It was another goblin.  
“N-Nooo!” He laughed, but quickly realized that was a bad idea. “Oh, sorry, let me try again - Yes!” The goblin wasn’t amused.  
“Which one is it, make up your mind!”  
“No, we definitely got them!” Taako said quickly  
“Oh, thank god. Should we come down there, or - is it, is it cool?”  
“No, I got -  
“Is it - Do their drowned bodies look kinda cool?” the goblin asked excitedly.Taako coughed, thinking on his feet again.  
“I got too horny from the killing, and I, I, I’m jerking o-”  
“Aw, Jesus, not again. We’re actually gonna - stay up here, thanks though.” The goblin clearly seemed uncomfortable.  
“Don’t come in! Don’t come in here, it’s private!”  
He heard the goblins scuffle away, and he sighed, leaning against the rock.  
Taako had to go find his friends, didn’t he?


End file.
